Guns Up

GUNS UP
R
91 Minutes
Director: Edward Drake
Writer: Edward Drake
Kevin James, Christina Ricci, Luis Guzmán

CAST
Kevin James...Ray Hayes
Christina Ricci...Alice Hayes
Maximilian Osinski...Antonio Castigan
Luis Guzmán...Ignatius Locke
Melissa Leo...Michael Temple
Leo Easton Kelly...Henry Hayes
Keana Marie...Siobhán Hayes
Timothy V. Murphy...Lonny Castigan
Joey Diaz...Charlie Brooks
Francis Cronin...Danny Clogan
Solomon Hughes...Ford Holden
Miroslav Barnyashev...Harry the Hammer

Here Comes The Boom

In case you missed it the first time—and you probably did—GUNS UP is on Paramount Plus.

GUNS UP is the kind of movie that starts with a bad sign and never really recovers: our hero is named Ray Hayes. Even his name is kind of lazy. Ray Hayes. No parent gives their kid a first name that rhymes with their last. That’s like naming your child “Ben Denn,” then being shocked when he grows up to make questionable decisions.

Ray begins the film making a life-changing decision. He can either keep his police job—where he’s probably making six figures and gets great benefits—or work as an enforcer for some shady criminal enterprise where he can maybe make a few more dollars. Naturally, Ray goes the Doug Heffernan route—dumb, stubborn, and convinced it’ll all work out. He takes the enforcer job, and he’s still there five years later, like this was always part of the plan.

We find Ray embedded in a strange, multi-ethnic gang, the kind you only see in bad ’80s movies. He and his wife, Alice, are saving up for a diner. As soon as he has enough, he’s out. Now that he finally has the money to quit, things get complicated—because that’s how these movies work. You know something will pull him back.

That “something” is Lonny Castigan, and the minute he takes over, Ray’s exit plan is dead.

We’re also supposed to believe Ray’s kids don’t know what he does for a living. I could see the young boy not figuring it out, but he has an 18-year-old daughter. Even Meadow Soprano was hip to what her father was up to.

To get out, Ray agrees to kill Antonio—but he can’t bring himself to do it. He just wants to scare him and run him out of town. Then a third guy barges in, there’s a scramble for the gun, it goes off, and Antonio takes it in the head by accident. Messy, loud, and it sets the rest of the film in motion.

I like many of the character actors here. Luis Guzmán. Christina Ricci. Joey Diaz. Unfortunately, they’re underutilized. You spend the whole time waiting for them to do something interesting, and the script doesn’t let them. They show up, they deliver their lines, and the movie hustles past them to the next burst of violence.

Instead, everything becomes completely preposterous. We find out the wife has her own criminal past. She apparently took Lonny’s eye after his gang killed her parents. Sure. The dialogue doesn’t help much either, relying on generic tough-guy lines like: “We finish what we start.” “No more running, we finish this.”

By the end, it’s less a crime thriller than a conveyor belt of gunfire.

Who is this for? Families looking for a wholesome night in… plus an orgy of violence?

I’ve enjoyed Kevin James’s work and defended him plenty of times, but there’s absolutely no excuse for this movie.

Final Verdict: 48 out of 100

The Naked Gun

THE NAKED GUN PG-13 85 Minutes Director: Akiva Schaffer Writers: Akiva Schaffer, Dan Gregor, Doug Mand Liam Neeson, Pamela Anderson, Paul Walter Hauser CAST Liam Neeson...Lt. Frank Drebin Jr. Pamela Anderson...Beth Davenport Paul Walter Hauser...Capt. Ed Hocken Jr. Danny Huston...Richard Cane CCH Pounder...Chief Davis Kevin Durand...Sig Gustafson Liza Koshy...Detective Barnes Eddie Yu...Detective Park Moses Jones..."Not Nordberg Jr."

It was inevitable, wasn’t it? In an era where IP is king, someone was always going to dust off the Police Squad files and try to make them print money again. Producer Seth MacFarlane is a fan of the originals—you can feel the reverence in the attempt—but loving a classic and understanding why it worked are two very different things.

On the surface, the cadence is there: the rapid-fire nonsense, the visual gags, the naked commitment to being stupid on purpose. That might sell at a pitch meeting, but the final product is a reminder that style is not the same thing as funny.

Liam Neeson as Frank Drebin Jr. is the entire gamble. The script leans hard into the grim action guy doing straight-faced stupidity. And to be fair, it’s a workable idea. Let’s be clear: I don’t care about the racist things Liam Neeson said years ago; he’s not on trial here. This movie is.

This would never top the original, but even with tempered expectations, this reboot struggles to justify its existence. If you watch the original NAKED GUN right after this one (as I did), the difference is staggering. The original took place in a world that, while absurd, had rules. It was a grounded reality where chaos happened to the characters. This movie is a cartoon. If Liam Neeson can just morph into anything he wants, why even have a film?

The casting is where it really falls apart. Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy were infinitely more likable because their characters felt like people who existed between the jokes. Here, everyone functions as a delivery mechanism for punchlines that don’t always land. And Paul Walter Hauser—that doofus from COBRA KAI—is here to fill Kennedy’s shoes? It simply doesn’t work.

Pamela Anderson plays the “age-appropriate” romantic interest, which is a refreshing choice, but the movie wants to have it both ways. She’s in her late 50s, and we’re asked to believe she’s still turning heads like it’s 1996. I’m not saying she can’t—Pamela Anderson is Pamela Anderson—I’m saying the movie wants the credit for being age-appropriate while still selling the centerfold.

The only person who seems to understand the assignment is Danny Huston. The man knows how to play a villain, and his take on Richard Cane—a fictionalized Elon Musk—is spot on. Huston plays it straight while the world goes stupid. It makes him the standout antagonist because he’s the only one acting like this movie has a pulse.

The core problem is that the film keeps winking at the audience. The jokes feel like a Spotify playlist called “NAKED GUN TYPE HUMOR” rather than new material. Cultural references are ingredients, not jokes, and pointing out a trope isn’t the same as subverting it.

Also, I’m sorry, but if you’re only going to make one half-joke about O.J. Simpson and then tiptoe away, you’re playing it too safe. Where’s Norm Macdonald when you need him? This franchise used to run toward the uncomfortable stuff at full speed and trip over a garbage can on the way there. This version jogs, checks its phone, and asks if everyone’s okay.

And yes, I’m going to say it: for a PG-13 comedy to work, it has to be witty. This film is definitely stupid, and there’s a place for stupid comedies, but this isn’t stupid in the right way. I’m not saying there are no laughs—the funniest bit for me is the scene where he’s firing a gun because he has to use the bathroom. That’s my kind of stupid. I just wish there was more of it. Other people seemed to find it funny, but for me, the ratio just wasn't there.

Final Verdict: 46 out of 100

Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale

DOWNTON ABBEY: THE GRAND FINALE PG 124 Minutes Director: Simon Curtis Writer: Julian Fellowes Hugh Bonneville, Michelle Dockery, Elizabeth McGovern CAST Hugh Bonneville...Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham Michelle Dockery...Lady Mary Talbot Elizabeth McGovern...Cora Crawley, Countess of Grantham Jim Carter...Charles Carson Laura Carmichael...Lady Edith Pelham Harry Hadden-Paton...Bertie Pelham, Marquess of Hexham Allen Leech...Tom Branson Penelope Wilton...Isobel Grey, Lady Merton Joanne Froggatt...Anna Bates Brendan Coyle...John Bates Robert James-Collier...Thomas Barrow Phyllis Logan...Elsie Carson Sophie McShera...Daisy Parker Lesley Nicol...Mrs. Patmore Paul Giamatti...Harold Levinson Dominic West...Guy Dexter Alessandro Nivola...Gus Sambrook Imelda Staunton...Maud, Lady Bagshaw

With a title like DOWNTON ABBEY: THE GRAND FINALE, you know things are about to end. It’s the film equivalent of a farewell tour. And like any farewell tour, you half-wonder if they really mean it, or if someone will need more money in a few years. The Who did their first, and only, farewell tour in 1982. We’ve all seen how that turned out.

This time we’re in 1930, with the Crawleys juggling scandal, money trouble, and the slow, painful realization that the world is moving on without them. Lady Mary is divorced now, and her love life is once again a headache for everyone around her. Her entanglement with Gus, a charming financial “wizard” who turns out to be more con man than savior, helps drag the Granthams to the edge of social ruin. For a hot minute, the family becomes polite society’s problem child, and you can feel how fragile their place in the world really is.

Meanwhile, Cora’s American fortune isn’t just dented; it’s basically gone. Harold has managed to lose what his mother built, and Gus has his fingerprints all over the mess. Watching Cora and Robert face the fact that Downton can’t keep coasting on ancient money forever gives this movie more bite than you might expect from what could’ve been a pure nostalgia tour.

Downstairs, life keeps rearranging itself. Daisy is taking over for Mrs. Patmore in the kitchen, which feels both right and a little terrifying. Anna and Bates are moving with Robert and Cora to the Dower House, where Anna is pregnant again at forty-four. It’s technically possible, but in 1930 it feels like the script is pushing its luck. Still, I’m rooting for Anna and her sixty-one-year-old husband. They’ve earned their improbable happiness.

Mr. Carson is now retired, supposedly settling into a quiet life with Elsie. He loves her, obviously, but you can already see the boredom setting in behind the proud posture. A man who lived for silver-polishing and protocol is suddenly supposed to enjoy village committees and garden paths. Good luck with that.

What’s missing, of course, is Granny. The film does what it can with memory and echo, but it’s not the same without the Dowager Countess dropping one-liners like depth charges. You feel that absence in almost every room. The show has always been about change, but this is the first time it really feels like loss.

You come in expecting fan service, and you definitely get it—old faces, callbacks, little grace notes for long-time viewers. But you also get a bit more: a genuine attempt to reckon with what happens when an entire way of life reaches its expiration date and everyone has to find a softer landing than “happily ever after at the big house.”

DOWNTON ABBEY has always leaned toward mostly happy endings with a few tragedies sprinkled in for good measure. That’s not realistic; I know that. But I still like that most of my favorite characters get to land somewhere gentle—if not perfect—by the time the credits roll. The parents are moving out of Downton, Mary is fully in charge, the staff is aging into new roles, and the place we’ve been visiting for fifteen years finally feels ready to go on without us.

If this were a TV special, I’d say it was a great one. As a movie, it’s a good one—handsomely made, emotionally satisfying, and maybe a little too comfortable. With a movie, you expect a little something extra. THE GRAND FINALE doesn’t quite transcend its origins, but as a long goodbye to these people and this house, it’s hard to ask for much more.

Final Verdict: 78 out of 100

A House of Dynamite

A HOUSE OF DYNAMITE R 112 Minutes Director: Kathryn Bigelow Writer: Noah Oppenheim Idris Elba, Rebecca Ferguson, Jared Harris CAST Idris Elba...President of the United States Rebecca Ferguson...Capt. Olivia Walker Gabriel Basso...Jake Baerington Jared Harris...Reid Baker (Secretary of Defense) Tracy Letts...Gen. Anthony Brady

A HOUSE OF DYNAMITE starts with a killer premise: an anonymous missile hurtles toward Chicago, impact in under twenty minutes. The fate of millions rests in the hands of Very Serious People in suits. Somehow, this becomes a movie where nothing actually happens for almost two hours.

The big gimmick is that we keep revisiting the same chunk of time from different perspectives. In theory: tense, ticking-clock thriller. In practice: the world’s drabbest clip show. We keep cutting back to the same radar screens, the same shots of Chicago, the same Very Important Conversations in the Situation Room. It’s like the movie hit rewind on itself and never found play again.

And then there’s the President. Idris Elba, one of the most watchable people on the planet, spends most of the film as a disembodied voice on a screen. We barely see his face for over an hour. This isn’t some clever stylistic choice; it feels like Elba wanted to be in the movie as little as possible. When he finally shows up in person, around the 75-minute mark, it’s less “dramatic reveal” and more “oh right, they did say he was in this.”

The movie imagines a federal government staffed entirely by competent adults. That’s adorable. Have you watched the news in the last twenty-five years? We haven’t had uniformly competent government officials since the Kennedy administration.

On paper, there’s a nice cross-section of people in the room: all ages, backgrounds, and job titles. In practice, it feels like a distracting level of diversity used as wallpaper. Representation isn’t the problem; the problem is that nobody is written like an actual human being. The characters are mostly bland, forgettable expo-delivery systems. I should care about a nuclear missile hitting Chicago. Instead, I found myself quietly rooting for it to land—not because I’m a homicidal maniac, but because at least something would finally happen.

I loved Jared Harris as Secretary of Defense Reid Baker. His daughter lives in Chicago, and you can see the situation hollowing him out in real time. He always looks like the only adult who understands how doomed we are, and that weary intelligence gives the movie its only pulse. When he cracks, you believe it. For a few minutes, A HOUSE OF DYNAMITE feels like it might be about something.

If you’re looking for real action, look elsewhere. This movie plays like an extended episode of THE WEST WING, except without any of the charm or moral crackle—or Martin Sheen wandering around muttering Latin under his breath. The most “exciting” moment is a guy jumping off a building on purpose, and I’m not totally convinced that counts as action. Mostly, it’s people standing in rooms under fluorescent lights, talking about what they might do.

The missile is supposed to hit in under twenty minutes, but the film drags that window out so long it feels like I’m stuck in a time dilation bubble where twenty minutes lasts two hours. Normally, that would be an advantage. Here, it’s just a reminder that time is precious, and I could’ve spent mine watching literally anything else.

Final Verdict: 56 out of 100

John Candy: I Like Me

JOHN CANDY: I LIKE ME
PG-13                                                  113 Minutes
Director: Colin Hanks
Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Catherine O’Hara, Macaulay Culkin, Eugene Levy, Tom Hanks

In my Mount Rushmore of favorite actors: John Candy is George Washington. Christopher Walken is Thomas Jefferson. Philip Seymour Hoffman is Teddy Roosevelt. Hmm… we’ll need a fourth one. I guess Patrick Swayze. That’s the place where Candy lives for me—etched in granite, permanently grinning, somehow still making room for everybody else.

Nepo-baby Colin Hanks plays it straight and respectful—which is exactly right. The film celebrates Candy’s generosity and timing—the way he could float a scene on kindness alone—while also acknowledging the pressures of fame, the anxiety that rides shotgun with it, and the public scrutiny over his weight. You feel the love, and you feel the cost. Both belong in the story.

The interviews are marvelous—including Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Catherine O’Hara, Macaulay Culkin, and others. These aren’t just “remember-when” anecdotes; they’re small hymns. O’Hara, who seems to have logged the most hours in Candy-world, even gave a tender eulogy—because of course she did. That friendship reads on- and off-camera.

After watching this documentary, it’s become quite evident that I’m still grieving, all these years later. I found myself blubbering like a little child. Almost as if he were a family member. One cutaway to that smile and I’m done.

And here’s the part that really got me: Los Angeles literally shut down the 405 for his funeral procession. The 405. Closed. For John Candy. That’s the kind of civic love you can’t manufacture; it’s what happens when a whole city realizes it lost a good man.

Candy, to me, was like John Wayne—he pretty much always played himself. But that “himself” contained universes: decent, awkward, earnest, wounded, generous. He didn’t need tricks. He needed eye contact and a beat. Suddenly, everyone else in the scene got better.

I remember the day after he died like a weird little home movie: I’m at the barbershop, clippings on the floor, and everyone is talking about him. Not gossip—gratitude. Stories. Chatter that feels like a celebration.

I LIKE ME is a sturdy frame built to hold a giant heart—two hours of remembering why this man felt like home, and why losing him still stings all these years later. So watch this documentary, and then watch PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES for Thanksgiving.

Final Verdict: 94 out of 100

Sidenote: I docked some points because Ryan Reynolds was so heavily involved in this production. At least he didn't put himself in the film. 

Equalizer II

EQUALIZER II
R
121 Minutes
Director: Antoine Fuqua
Writers: Richard Wenk, Michael Sloan, Richard Lindheim

CAST
Denzel Washington...Robert McCall
Pedro Pascal...Dave York
Ashton Sanders...Miles Whittaker
Orson Bean...Sam Rubinstein

I was in the mood to see Denzel kick some ass. And since I can't follow the man around, waiting for him to get into an altercation, watching EQUALIZER II is the next best thing.

EQUALIZER II is completely different from the first film. This time around, it's all about Denzel Washington. One day, he gets bored with the acting game, and becomes an 'equalizer', to help people for a change. It makes so much sense. Denzel has attained such a broad skill set from his previous roles as a boxer, a security guard, and all the various police/military officer characters... that he couldn't help but transform into an 'equalizer'. Any other life path would be unconscionable. That movie sounds cool, but it's obviously not this one. They wouldn't change the main character of a successful franchise, would they? Dwayne Johnson replaced Vin Diesel in FAST FIVE. Which means anything is possible, but I digress.

EQUALIZER II is like the first film, and that includes that stupid, blue, button-down shirt. This time around, Robert McCall drives a Lyft, instead of working for Home Mart. The only meaningful difference between this film and the first EQUALIZER is hair — Denzel has hair. Maybe Homer Simpson looks good with a bald head, but not Denzel Washington. It just makes the character look impotent. Like he's going through chemotherapy or something.

THE EQUALIZER franchise is based on a fair-to-midland TV show. So it's no minor miracle, that a movie adaptation, even one with so many flaws, is as good as it is. I don't remember much about this unremarkable, paint-by-the-numbers, action-thriller, but I do remember liking it...a little bit.

Final Verdict: 82 out of 100

Spoiler alert: You already know that Denzel's character lives, because you don't write EQUALIZER II without having a rough outline of EQUALIZER III. My only concern is for his health. I don't want him to have a nervous breakdown...from the exertion of acting like a badass-looking, out of shape, middle-aged man.

The Shape of Water

THE SHAPE OF WATER
R
123 Minutes
Director: Guillermo del Toro
Writers: Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor
Sally Hawkins, Octavia Spencer, Michael Shannon

CAST
Sally Hawkins...Elisa Esposito
Michael Shannon...Richard Strickland
Richard Jenkins...Giles
Octavia Spencer...Zelda Fuller
Michael Stuhlbarg...Dr. Robert Hoffstetler
Doug Jones...Amphibian Man

It's difficult to watch movies about bizarre, misunderstood creatures. Which is why I avoid Gary Busey films. But seriously, go watch KING KONG, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, or IRON GIANT. Preferably, later in the evening, otherwise your whole day will get ruined. Those movies are especially sad. With MARLEY AND ME, the dog dies, but at least Marley died surrounded by a loving family. King Kong dies Tupac-style, alone in a hail of gunfire, never to experience any of the love this world has to offer. THE SHAPE OF WATER is a different type of 'monster' movie. It posits that the real monster is...humanity. Just kidding, this review isn't about to get pretentious. Humans and a single, strange creature can live in harmony. Just look at ALF, or HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS. But once there's a group of strange creatures, like in ALIENATION, conflict ensues. Like confronting a coworker who keeps weird smelling food in the fridge at work. You try having that conversation, without sounding culturally insensitive. This is a film for those of us who would like monster movies, if it weren't for those callous, tragic endings.

The SHAPE OF WATER is about a strange amphibious creature. He's chained, and tortured in a government facility. Elisa Esposito is a mute woman, who is a janitor at this facility. She and Aquaman soon develop a secret friendship. Elisa has a plan to break him out. But things don't go so swimmingly. Because this monster is scheduled to get euthanized in the near future. That's all you need to know.

I remember reading about a scientist that slept with dolphins in the 60s, and by slept, I mean had sex with. Humans can't sleep in the water, and as far as I know, she didn't boink dolphins, in the plural sense. She remained monogamous to 'Peter', but who knows for sure, dolphins all look the same. In this film, Guillermo del Toro celebrates bestiality. It's not looked at as something icky, shameful, or questionably consensual. They didn't get into the mechanics of intercourse between the two, but I assume it's the way Chris Farley, and Connie did it in CONEHEADS; with rings on their heads.

Aside from the story, it's the actors that make this movie particularly enjoyable. I like Sally Hawkins more than most people, because I think she's the character from HAPPY GO LUCKY, and she's not that character. The same goes for Michael Stuhlbarg. I like him, but only because he played a psychopath on an episode of LAW AND ORDER:CI. I enjoyed watching Michael Shannon, because he looks like Bill Hader. Who knows, maybe they're the same person. Like a Andy Kauffman/Tony Clifton situation. I'm on to you...Michael Hader. And as for Doug Jones, I liked him better on TWIN PEAKS.

Final Verdict: 98 out of 100

It

IT
R
135 Minutes
Director: Andy Muschietti
Writers: Chase Palmer, Cary Fukunaga, Gary Dauberman, Stephen King
Jaeden Lieberher, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Sophia Lillis, Bill Skarsgård

CAST
Jaeden Lieberher...Bill Denbrough
Jeremy Ray Taylor...Ben Hanscom
Sophia Lillis...Beverly Marsh
Finn Wolfhard...Richie Tozier
Chosen Jacobs...Mike Hanlon
Jack Dylan Grazer...Eddie Kaspbrak
Wyatt Oleff...Stanley Uris
Bill Skarsgård...Pennywise

I heard a lot of chatter on this movie months before the release date. I didn't watch any of the trailers, but I knew it was scary. Which left me puzzled. How could a film about information technology be scary? Then I figured it was a movie version of the SNL sketch, 'Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy'. Nothing is scarier than watching a two-hour Jimmy Fallon film. But alas, that was not the case. Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised with this movie about a psychopathic clown who terrorizes children.

I love how IT takes place in 1989. It really takes me back. Fine Young Cannibals were topping the charts. HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS was disappointing theater goers everywhere. Culturally, we reached peak blandness. Nonetheless, I still have fond memories of that magical summer before I started kindergarten. More than anything, IT is a love letter to a bygone era. Twas a much simpler time in America, when fanny packs were considered acceptable attire.

I can't overemphasize how historically accurate this film is. The clothes, movies, cars, and music are spot on. The bad things aren't whitewashed either. Back then, people used the 'other f-word' with reckless abandon. And bullies had free reign to torture kids, without interference from adults.

Good horror movies are rare, and a good Stephen King film is even rarer. First, the group of 13-year old friends is realistic. This is really how kids would interact with one another, kind of like SUPER 8. Secondly, the clown is actually creepy, and so are the adults. Like when the girl flirts with the pharmacist to steal cigarettes, the pharmacist actually flirts back. And her father, to put it delicately, had some serious boundary issues. And lastly, the acting is passable, which is no minor miracle with this many child actors.

I recommend you see IT. Isn't that a confusing statement, especially if those words were spoken aloud to another person. Uttering the sentence could start an Abbott and Costello routine. So instead of recommending IT, you should say 'I recommend you see the clown movie'. People will know what you mean. It's not like they're going to think you're talking about KILLJOY, or KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

War Of Planet Of The Apes

WAR OF PLANET OF THE APES
PG-13
140 Minutes
Director: Matt Reeves
Writers: Mark Bomback, Matt Reeves, Rick
Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Pierre Boulle
Andy Serkis, Woody Harrelson, Steve Zahn

CAST
Andy Serkis...Caesar
Woody Harrelson...The Colonel
Steve Zahn...Bad Ape
Karin Konoval...Maurice
Amiah Miller...Nova

Dawn Prince-Hughes, an anthropologist, noticed that Gorillas at zoos talk to each other (nonverbally), and it's mostly about humans outside their cage. So there's no need for me to suspend disbelief about apes conquering a planet. Clearly, they're just waiting for the right moment to take shit over.

Normally, I'd take the time to describe the plot, but the title says it all. Everything takes place on an Earth-like planet. Where people and animals speak (and sign) in English. Ron Pearlman...I mean Caesar is the chief of apes. And the apes are fighting humans in a war.

It would be easy to point to the symbolism and the use of metaphors, because those things aren't exactly subtle. The apes are kind of like Native American/Slaves. While the colonel and his men are like that KFC guy with a Confederate Army. But I won't go into further detail. If you think too much about it, you might not enjoy the film.

Only dead animals in movies can make me cry. So if an animal dies after a heroic act, I'm scarred for life. I know these animals are computer generated, but it doesn't matter. The battle scenes are still difficult to watch. It's like one of those Sarah McLachlan commercials...times a hundred; except my donation to the ASPCA won't keep these animals from the arms of an angel.

This story isn't all tragic though. You already know the apes prevail in the end. After all, it's called PLANET OF THE APES, not PLANET OF THE HUMANS, or PLANET WHERE APES AND HUMANS PEACEFULLY COEXIST. On another positive, the apes are adorable, even when they're acting super serious. If I watched Caesar read the DIARY OF ANNE FRANK, I'd be unable to suppress that ear-to-ear grin on my face.

In closing, I want to say that it's very difficult to make a part III worth watching. Remember BACK TO THE FUTURE III? Neither do I, and I'm pretty sure I watched it. I'm impressed with the APES franchise thus far, and just like those LAND BEFORE TIME cartoons, WAR OF PLANET OF THE APES demands several follow-up films.

Final Verdict 95 out of 100

All Eyez On Me

ALL EYEZ ON ME
R
140 Minutes
Director: Benny Boom
Writers: Jeremy Haft, Eddie Gonzalez, and Steven Bagatourian
Demetrius Shipp Junior, Danai Gurira, Kat Graham

CAST
Demetrius Shipp Junior...Tupac Shakur
Danai Gurira...Afeni Shakur
Kat Graham...Jada Pinkett
Hill Harper...Interviewer
Annie Ilonzeh...Kidada Jones
Jamal Woolard...Biggie
Dominic L. Santana...Suge Knight

Except for that poetry album, read aloud by Malcolm Jamaal-Warner. I've listened to all Tupac's music, watched all the documentaries, and movies. Which unfortunately, includes NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. So naturally, I had to watch this film. As a fan, I'd be inclined to like any movie about Tupac. That is, unless it's this bad.

First and foremost, let's talk about how good all the impersonators are. At the most basic level, I have few complaints. Even the ancillary characters: Dre, Snoop, Daz, and Kurupt were true to life. No Nate Dogg though. I suspect his silky smooth vocals were just too difficult for any mere mortal to imitate. Aside from his psychopathic tendencies, Suge Knight plays as a cliché record executive. But I can't fault the movie for that. If all record executives are the same, then it leaves very little room for nuance. As for Tupac; appearance wise, Demetrius Shipp is impeccably close. His voice isn't spot-on, but is nonetheless adequate. The one thing missing is Tupac's charisma.

The lack of charisma, is the same issue I had with the Biggie movie. While larger-than-life people can never be duplicated, filmmakers can still approximate them better. Like in THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY (1978). A pre-motorcycle-accident Gary Busey literally thought he was possessed by the spirit of Buddy Holly, and you know, I'm inclined to believe him.

Next, I want to talk about...nothing else. Aside from the characters, I'm not left with much substance. Large segments of the movie are recreations of documentaries, music videos, and concert footage. It felt like there was only about thirty minutes of unoriginal original dialogue. Which leaves me with no new insights into the man, or his life. And even though this picture is over two hours, it still felt like the movie was fast-forwarding through the rapper's life just to get to the last scene of the Vegas shooting.

If he were actually dead, Tupac would be rolling in his grave. ALL EYEZ ON ME is bad for a reason: because something this egregious just might get the rapper to come out of hiding.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Captain America: Civil War

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
PG-13
143 minutes
Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo
Writers: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Mark Millar, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby

CAST
Iron Man…Robert Downey Junior
Captain America…Chris Evans
Hawkeye…Jeremy Renner
Falcon…Anthony Mackie
Ant-Man…Paul Rudd
Black Widow…Scarlett Johansson

CIVIL WAR?

One look at the title, and you know what it’s about: the American Civil War. The Avengers reenact the Battle of Gettysburg, as a team building exercise, but they never get to reenact anything. Before the fake battle begins, Loki and his intergalactic minions open a wormhole, and the Avengers are transported into the real Civil War. And this time the right side will win. No, hear me out. I mean if the South won, Lincoln doesn’t get assassinated. Honest Abe retreats to Toronto. And the Confederacy would get their own country, for a while anyway. Before killing themselves, through bar fights, incest, and slave rebellion…right around 1870. At which point, Lincoln moves back to the states, to sew together the tattered pieces of old America; because that’s how history works. To my surprise, CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR wasn’t about the American Civil War. Which goes to show that you can’t always get the gist of a film from the title alone, like NAKED LUNCH. Sometimes it’s best to watch the trailer.

THIS WAR DOESN’T SEEM SO CIVIL

I might as well start with the things I didn’t like. The fight scenes were frequent, and lengthy. Generally, I don’t mind fight scenes, but do they have to be so long. I can suspend disbelief for short bursts of time, but overly long fight scenes make you realize your watching a cartoon. I can now envision a future where actors become obsolete. And CGI people star in their own two-hour fight scene.

HAWKEYE…WHAT’S HIS DEAL?

It’s not Jeremy Renner’s fault, but of all the Avengers, Hawkeye is the least compelling. He shoots arrows, accurately…that’s it. If things took place in Middle Earth, and Jeremy Renner were Orlando Bloom, then I’d find Hawkeye’s antics more impressive.

LAST WORDS

At this point, you may have the impression that I didn’t care for this AVENGERS movie, but that’s not the case. I was never bored because I never had a chance to think about what was going on. Nonetheless, CIVIL WAR is still a solid, BM…I mean, solid, B-movie. Sharp humor, and an interesting cliffhanger, push this into I-wouldn’t-mind-seeing-this-again territory.

Final Verdict: 81 out of 100

God Is Not Dead 2

GOD IS NOT DEAD 2
PG
120 Minutes
Director: Harold Cronk
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Melissa Joan Hart, Jesse Metcalfe, David A.R. White

CAST
Maria Canals-Barrera…Catherine Thawley
Pat Boone...Walter Wesley
Robin Givens...Principal Kinney
Melissa Joan Hart...Grace Wesley
Brad Heller...School Attorney
Ernie Hudson…Judge Robert Stennis

Clarissa Explains It All

GOD IS NOT DEAD 2 was more compelling than the previous installment. In that there  is actually something at stake. First off, this movie takes place in a courtroom, instead of a Philosophy 101 class. But the courtroom proceedings are so ridiculous, it makes an
episode of NIGHT COURT look like a Nuremberg trial. Furthermore, Kevin Sorbo is conveniently absent from the proceedings, so I’m going to award seven bonus points.

Drive Me Crazy

This film has a simple premise. Clarissa is a history teacher that gets fired for quoting a bible verse. This quote stated a non-controversial, historical fact. Nonetheless, it’s a big deal. Sabrina has to fight for her job in court. Now, the school district is making it their business to persecute a Christian educator. There are other plot points, but I won’t into them, because can see how bored you’re getting.

The only chance a faith-based movie has at success, is with Hollywood stars…of yesteryear. Melissa Joan Hart, Robin Givens, Ernie Hudson. Also, it was strange to see the sister from THE GOLDBERGS,  play one of the main characters.  I like her on that show, and I don’t know how she got roped into this. Because it’s not like this gig pays network sitcom money.

Salem Witch Trial

As I stated earlier, Melissa Joan Hart stars in this film. Yes, that Melissa Joan Hart.  Star of CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL, and SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH. And let me tell you, this movie could really use a talking cat, especially one hell-bent on world domination.  His name would be Jesus, and he could take the witness stand. I know he’s not the real Jesus, but no one else has to know.  Because a talking cat must be…feline…I mean Divine.

Final Verdict: 7 out of 100

Race

RACE
PG-13
134 Minutes
Director: Stephen Hopkins
Writers: Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse
Stephan James, Jason Sudeikis, Eli Goree

CAST
Stephan James...Jesse Owens
Jason Sudeikis...Larry Snyder
Eli Goree...Dave Albritton
Shanice Banton...Ruth Solomon
Adrian Zwicker...Adolf Hitler

‘Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon.' -Ice Cube, (YOU CAN DO IT)

First, I love the title, RACE. It's clever, because it's about a race, and a race. This movie is released in February, and everybody knows that only the best throwaway films are released this time of year. February is also Black History Month, which is a strange coincidence. I think RACE is a little too on the nose, titlewise. It should've been called: HITLER'S RACE.

Speaking Of Hitler

The main reason I wanted to watch this is for the fictitious Adolph Hitler. I pondered on all the possibilities. What's the mustache going look like? Real, fake, electrical tape, I don't know. Is he going to be cartoonish, like in the HEIL HONEY I'M HOME television show (yes, that was a real show). Hitler can be funny. One time, after eating a chocolate lava cake; inadvertently, I gave myself a little Hitler mustache. I wish I was lying, but I dealt with dozens of snickering customers that day, before a coworker finally pointed it out. But I digress. Anyway, would this be an alternate history film, where Jesse Owens shoots Hitler, before hijacking the Hindenburg? Sadly no. This Hitler did nothing interesting. He just sat there, glaring at Jesse Owens. I kind of feel cheated in a way. Hey filmmaker, why are you showing Hitler in the trailer, if he's not going to do anything cool.

The Movie Itself

RACE, the film, isn't terrible. Uneven? Absolutely. Well acted? Definitely. And while I enjoyed the last third of the film. The first two-thirds of the movie were just kind of...meh. Nothing exciting, just your not-so-typical athlete, overcoming adversity. I don't need to explain any further, you've all seen COOL RUNNINGS. But if you have money to throw away, go see RACE at a theater...and since you already get the gist of the movie, walk in around the two-thirds point of the film. You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

SIDENOTE: DID YOU NOTICE THE LACK OF SPORTS CLICHÉS IN THE REVIEW? THERE WASN'T A 'DOWN THE FINAL STRETCH'; NOR 'WALK, DON'T RACE, TO SEE THIS FILM'. SORRY, I'M BABBLING ON SO MUCH. I GUESS I LOST TRACK OF TIME, AFTER MY PHOTO FINISH.

Anomalisa

ANOMALISA
R
90 Minutes
Writers: Charlie Kaufman
Director: Duke Johnson, Charlie Kaufman
David Thewlis, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tom Noonan

CAST
David Thewlis...Michael Stone
Jennifer Jason Leigh...Lisa Hesselman
Tom Noonan...Everyone Else

ANOMALISA is a stop-motion movie, about the desolation of life on the road; kind of like UP IN THE AIR. Except this film focuses on one character, Michael Stone. He's a customer service guru, author, and motivational speaker.

Because Tom Noonan plays most of the females in a male voice, I thought many of the females were transvestites. Which means Tom had a thing for pre-op females. It's a possible scenario, because none of the characters actually take their clothes off. But I'm most likely wrong. Just look at Eddie Murphy, he played many female characters in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR, but that doesn't necessarily mean he enjoys the company of transvestites. Besides, puppets don't really have a gender.

I've waited far too long for another Charlie Kaufman film to get made. But it's understandable. SYNEDOCHE was as ambitious as movies get. Exploring the entire human condition in a look two-hour film, is no easy task. And like SYNEDOCHE, so much effort was put into this ANOMALISA picture, that I suspect we'll be waiting many years for the next Kaufman movie.

If my review still hasn't persuaded you, you should still watch ANOMALISA, if only for the spectacular puppet love scene, rivaling that of TEAM AMERICA.

Final Verdict 98 out of 100

SIDENOTE: IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF CHARLIE KAUFMAN'S WORK, CHECK OUT THE EARLY 90S SITCOM, THE TROUBLE WITH LARRY. FEATURING BRONSON PINCHOT (BALKI), OF PERFECT STRANGERS FAME.

Creed

Creed
PG-13
133 Minutes
Director: Ryan Coogler
Writers: Ryan Coogler, Aaron Covington, Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, Michael B Jordan, Tessa Thompson

CAST
Michael B. Jordan...Adonis Johnson
Sylvester Stallone..Rocky Balboa
Tessa Thompson...Bianca
Phylicia Rashad...Mary Anne Creed
Andre Ward...Danny 'Stuntman' Wheeler
Tony Bellew...'Pretty' Ricky Conlan

'This movie has a lot of boxing. One time I punched a guy from 311, but I never actually boxed.' -Scott Stapp (Interview)

Don't be fooled by the title, this movie is not about Scott Stapp, or his band, Creed. Because there's so many questions. Like what really happened on that tour bus with Kid Rock, and all those groupies. Additionally, how did Scott uncover all those government conspiracies...while strung out on drugs. Not that the two are necessarily related. All kidding aside, Scott Stapp really does have a problem with CREED (the film). At least I thought so, it's difficult to detect sarcasm from a printed article. But after I watched the FUNNY OR DIE clip, I couldn't help but feel let down. His newly found sobriety has made him far too self aware to be funny.

I don't consider myself much of an expert on Sylvester Stallone movies, because I'm really more of a savant. Do you know anyone else who has seen all of Stallone's movies... multiple times...voluntarily? And for the record, I'm not including THE ITALIAN STALLION (1970), a softcore adult film. His character's name was 'Stud'...enough said. But I am including those horrific films he made in the nineties. However, things did slowly improve, moving forward into the 21st century. In what I like to call his 'post-GET CARTER' years. Purely by accident, Stallone has started making movies that people actually want to see. That's not to say he's above taking a big paycheck for a bad project. CREED exists only to make up for GRUDGE MATCH, a film that will forever haunt my dreams. But in all fairness, GRUDGE MATCH is mostly De Niro's fault.

Hmmm, I just realized that I haven't mentioned anything about the plot. From the title alone, I think you get the gist. Apollo Creed's son has something to prove, so he trains Rocky for one last fight against George Forman. Need I say more?

In a world that seems so chaotic, people crave something familiar: the warm embrace of a Sylvester Stallone movie. And just like your dog leaving presents under the Christmas tree, it's something you can count on. Creed isn't coming out on DVD for a while, so this holiday season, put a card saying 'I-O-U one CREED DVD' in your mom's Christmas stocking.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Fateful Findings

FATEFUL FINDINGS 
100 Minutes 
R 
Writer: Neil Breen 
Director: Neil Breen 
Danielle Andrade, Jennifer Autry, Brianna Borden 

CAST 
Danielle Andrade...Ally 
Jennifer Autry...Leah 
Neil Breen...Dylan 
Klara Landrat...Emily 
David Silva...Jim

Stop whatever your doing, and watch FATEFUL FINDINGS. It makes THE ROOM look like CITIZEN KANE. And like THE ROOM, this filmmaker, Neil Breen, is pretending that FATEFUL FINDINGS was made bad...on purpose. But this claim is a rather dubious one at that. First, no one with a .biz website should ever be trusted (fatefulfindings.biz). I've heard some accounts of people not getting DVDs they've purchased through the site. And second, if campy were a race, FATEFUL FINDINGS goes on a warp speed detour into the Andromeda Galaxy, before arriving at the finish line.

What's This Thing All About? 

Officially, FATEFUL FINDINGS is about a computer hacker who uncovers government and corporate secrets. It's the only vaguely true plot point I'm able to decipher. Everything else unfolds in a truly random fashion. The same way you might recall a dream...nay, nightmare.

Dylan drops his vintage cellphone, while crossing the street. He tried to retrieve it, but gets hit by a Rolls Royce. In the next scene, Dylan is in a hospital bed, covered in bandages. After getting imbued with magic powers, he walks out of the hospital, and heads home. Once he's home, we're treated to an awkward love making session in the shower. Where Dylan has yet to take off all the bandages, and gauze from his face. And now, the protagonist's metamorphosis from man, to magic man, is complete.

Jim: We haven't had sex in a while, do you realize that?
... 
Jim's Wife: I'm very busy, my back is killing me. My office at the bank is having major problems.

Jim is Dylan's friend, although you would never think so, based on their lack of social interaction. Jim is an alcoholic. He's always knocking things down, and acting surly towards his wife. Don't worry, things get better for this couple. One day, when he's polishing his Lamborghini in the garage, his wife attempts to destroy the car...with bullets. One of those bullets hits her husband, and she immediately tries to cover up the accidental homicide, by making it look like a suicide. If I were in her place, I think I would at least attempt to wipe the finger prints off the gun. But who am I to judge, I don't know what it's like to kill a spouse.

Speaking Of Killing A Spouse

With all the computer hacking, Dylan forgets to pay attention to his wife, and she starts abusing alcohol and pain meds. Things end poorly for her, alone in her bed, she overdoses. It's okay though, he still has his childhood girlfriend, who has aged very well. It's almost as if she turned 30 and stopped aging entirely. Smash cut: the girlfriend and Dylan are making love in the woods. I know this guy sounds awful. Sleeping with another woman, right after his wife dies. But the grieving process is different for everyone. Just ask John Edwards.

Worse Than Corky Romano?

Movies this bad are a once in a lifetime experience. It's like a Mexican soap opera, without the production values, or storyline. Savor each morsel, like you would a discontinued candy bar, because nothing that sweet is ever coming back again.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Straight Outta Compton

STRIAGHT OUTTA COMPTON
R
147 Minutes
Director: F. Gary Gray
Writers: Jonathan Herman, S. Leigh Savidge, Alan Wenkus, and Andrea Berloff
Corey Hawkins, Jason Mitchell, Paul Giamatti

CAST
O'Shea Jackson Junior...Ice Cube
Corey Hawkins...Dr. Dre
Jason Mitchell...Eazy-E
Neil Brown Junior...Dj Yella
Aldis Hodge...MC Ren
Marlon Yates Junior...The D.O.C
Paul Giamatti...Jerry Heller
R. Marcos Taylor...Suge Knight

REAL MUTHAPHUCKKIN G'S

As a kid, I ate fruit loops every morning, with my YO! MTV RAPS. And I'd go to the public library just to read all of those SOURCE magazines. I'm like that Micheal Bolton character from OFFICE SPACE, nay, that Micheal Bolton character is totally based on me. I've been stoked for months for STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON to come out. And I was not disappointed. It's like this movie was made, specifically for me

My nickname was Eazy-E for my unofficial, intramural, soccer team (in my early twenties). I probably took the persona too far, with the Jerry curl wig, and the White Sox hat. At the time, I didn't care for the nickname, because I thought Eazy-E was a bit of a poser. On account of Eric not writing his own songs, and pretending to be a teenager. But dat shit don't even phaze me more...(clears throat) excuse me...no mo. Eaz quit school in the tenth grade to sell drugs, fund Ruthless Records, and discover BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY. If datz not gangsta, den 'you straight trippin boo', to quote Steve Martin...in BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE.

If there's one thing that transformed a good movie into a great one, it's the believable 2Pac. Someone found the right-looking guy, and they dubbed in someone's real voice, who sounded just like Pac. In related news, another picture is in pre-production that focuses on 2pac, and Snoop. But that situation isn't going to work for a full-length movie. Perhaps the real 2Pac is going to have to come out of hiding for this one. Daz Dillenger is in charge of that project. Judging by the DVD that came with his U KNOW WHAT I'M THROWIN UP album, I'm concerned with how this follow up movie will turn out, very concerned.

How many people did Eazy-E, inadvertently, give AIDS to? Considering 'Eazy' is in his nome de plume, quite a few. Magic Johnson got HIV, and he's still alive. But that's because a man with a 'Magic Johnson' could never die or transmit AIDS. But Eazy's fate wasn't so magical. SPOILER ALERT, he died. No wait, I can't end a review on such a glib, and morbid note. Eric Wright still lives on...in hologram form...at minor league baseball stadiums, with BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY.
(Mic Drop)

Final Verdict: 99 out of 100

I Am Chris Farley

I AM CHRIS FARLEY
PG-13
96 Minutes
Writer: Steve Burgess
Director: Brent Hodge, Derik Murray
Adam Sandler, Bo Derek, Chris Farley, Christina Applegate, David Spade Mike Myers, Kevin Farley

'I want to live fast and die young.'
-Chris Farley

I know, I know, I must be a masochist. First, I saw INSIDE OUT, and now,  I AM CHRIS FARLEY. Somebody call Jermaine Dupri because I am ballin' out of control with these sad movies.  I've seen that E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD on Chris Farley...33 times, and every time I watch it, I think, 'maybe this show will end differently...this time around. Deep down, maybe I believe he's playing an Andy Kauffman-esque  joke, and Chris will ring my doorbell, and explain this elaborate ruse. Then I'm disappointed, and watch the E! Phil Hartman special, because that's all the E! network used to play: stories about celebrities who've died tragically. 

Chris Farley was a lot like John Candy, and I'm not just talking about in the obvious way. John and Chris weren't always funny, but they could always put a smile on your face. On a related note, without drug problems, Chris still would have died before the age of 50. Which was last year. I don't know for sure, but maybe it's better that Chris wasn't around to turn into a regular on Adam Sandler movies. But that would also mean Kevin James wouldn't have a career. 

Have you ever noticed that SHREK looks nothing like Michael Myers? Well, Mike Myers did. One thing that wasn't included what's the fact that Chris Farley recorded 'niner'-five percent of the voiceover work for Shrek before he died. I don't know why someone couldn't have given the movie the ol' Paul Walker treatment. Just tweak a couple things, that's it. Oh wait, I know why: you can't make eight sequels with a dead guy, not yet anyway.

Everyone needs to purchase this movie. Partially, because I would like to see a documentary made on Phil Hartman. But mostly because Chris Farley was a beautiful human being. It 's really a shame this film never got a wide release.

Final Verdict: 98 out of 100

Ant-Man

ANT-MAN
PG-13
117 Minutes 
Director: Payton Reed
Writers: Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish, Paul Rudd, Adam McKay, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby
Paul Rudd, TI, Michael Douglas

CAST
Paul Rudd...Ant-Man
Michael Douglas...Dr. Hank Pym
Evangeline Lilly...Hope van Dyne
Corey Stoll...Yellowjacket
Michael Peña...Luis
TI...Dave

I saw this without really knowing what it was about. I saw ANT-MAN because I had to. There was only one movie playing in the two-hour window when my cell phone was getting repaired. What else was I going to? Watch a movie on my phone? Can't. How about reading a book? A little hard to do, without the kindle app on my phone. Even if I remembered to bring my tablet, the WIFI at the Barnes And Noble across the street isn't strong enough to reach the repair shop.

The Ant is a creepy insect, and I'm not just referring to Woody Allen's character in ANTZ. They aren't as creepy as cockroaches, water bugs, or praying mantises. Most ants are fairly benign, they just crawl around, and scavenge food for winter. Usually, you won't encounter large ant colonies, unless leave an open, 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew in the attic. But how does all this information relate to the movie? It doesn't, ANT-MAN is a misnomer. Paul Rudd doesn't turn into ant, the way Bart Simpson turned into a human-fly hybrid, in that Halloween episode. No, Ant-Man can shrink to the size of ant,...oh, and he can control hundreds of ants with his mind, but that's it.

Could you imagine if Spiderman shrunk to the size of a spider, and mentally controlled large clusters of brown recluses? I know, it would be freaking awesome...yet terrifying. Although, that kind of power is rarely used. ANT-MAN is great, albeit, light entertainment, so the dark side of shrinking is never explored. But maybe it's completely unnecessary. Look at HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS, or HOLLOW MAN (I know shrinking and disappearing aren't quite the same thing, but c'mon). These two films aren't exactly the pinnacle of cinematic excellence, so don't fret, ANT-MAN is best movie that could have been made with the source material. The jokes were actually funny, and I was never confused; that is something very rare in a comic book movie.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Inside Out

INSIDE OUT (With Spoilers)
PG
94 Minutes
Directors: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen
Writers: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader
Amy Poehler, Phyllis Smith, Richard Kind, Bill Hader

CAST
Kaitlyn Dias...Riley Andersen
Amy Poehler...Joy
Phyllis Smith...Sadness
Richard Kind...Bing Bong
Bill Hader...Fear
Lewis Black...Anger

SPOILERS BELOW!

Read at your own risk, and please kindly refrain from sending any hate mail...directed at me. Although you should probably refrain from sending hate mail altogether.  So just pause a moment, and reflect on whether composing electronic vitriol is the most constructive use of your time. What are you really getting out of it?  More importantly, what are others getting out of it? This is why you have no friends. Dats da end, back to the review.

There's Someone In My Head But It's Not Me

INSIDE OUT is a Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a 12-year-old girl, who moves from Louieanderton, Minnesota to San Francisco. Which can take a toll one's mental health.  Upon arrival, little Riley developed paranoid schizophrenia. This girl goes from normal to Syd Barrett, practically overnight.  She hears all these voices: Joy, Sadness, Fear, and Anger.  And Riley plays with someone who doesn't actually exist, Bing Bong (more on Bing bong later).

There are one lie in the preceding paragraph.  I'll let you figure which one out on your own.

The Bing Bong Section

Saying, 'I can't believe that made that guy die', shouldn't count as a spoiler. There are 33 characters in this movie. That shouldn't narrow things down enough to justify a spoiler warning, but my coworkers disagree. Because once you start watching INSIDE OUT, and you know a character is going to die. It becomes painfully obvious which one gets it. Just like MARLEY AND ME, the most adorable character dies...Owen Wilson...I mean Marley (don't get mad, I already warned you about  spoilers). In this movie, you get so attached to this Bing Bong character. You like him the same way you like Buddy from ELF. Buddy was just pure goodness personified. So imagine if Buddy the Elf died, tragically, falling off Santa's sleigh or something (diabetes?). You'd cry yourself to sleep, and life would become a permanent state of misery. That's what Bing Bong's death did to me, it felt like part of me died as well. Yeah, that's right, this film is TURNER AND HOOCH-Level sad. Life would be so much easier if only human characters died in movies, but that life would be much less meaningful.

Final Verdict: 98.6 out of 100